How Would You Die?
by Acain Keyrose
Summary: A random thought sparks an odd conversation.


AN: Well, this wasn't entirely unexpected… another one-shot. I guess it's different in the way that it's for One Piece… which is awesome! XD

Anyway, this is my latest story! It's been rolling around in my head for a while now, but I've finally gotten it out! I'd like to give some credit to my siblings (Mostly my sister, I must admit) for giving me the many ideas for the question mentioned below. (Also, sorry if I misspelled anything. I try, but I can't be perfect.) So, go on and read and feel free to drop a review!

**How Would You Die?**

Inspired By Eichiro Oda's _One Piece_

Nami was, as a whole, a realist. When something bad and highly dangerous happened- as they often did on the StrawHat crew- she tended to expect the death that undoubtedly awaited her and her crew mates. And yet, each time she and her friends somehow managed to survive and fight another day. She wasn't complaining, but as a realist she knew that it was only a matter of time.

That is what lead to the current train of thought she was having.

It was a regular warm day on the sparkling blue sea of the Grand Line and she lay sprawled on a lawn chair on the deck of the Sunny, her bikini top and shorts keeping her cool in the heat. She had just finished her latest book and it rested, closed, on the ground next to her chair. One hand lay idly on her stomach while the other shaded her chocolate eyes from the piercing rays above.

She was, in a word, bored. She no longer had a book to read- nor did she wish to at the moment- and little else to do. Usopp was tending his garden, Robin was reading in the lawn chair next to her, Zoro was sleeping, Sanji was cooking, Franky was meddling with his latest gadget below deck, and the remaining three crew members were playing some strange game that didn't make any sense to a spectator, which was all she intended to be.

And so, when her mind wandered to the topic of her imminent untimely demise, she found it as good a subject as any. It was depressing to be sure, but what else could she do? As she thought more and more on it though, she settled on a rather unsettling question.

How would she die?

She used to think that it would be while she was trying to earn enough beli to free her village, but now she was more inclined to believe that it would be far less heroic and entirely her _captain's_ fault. _He'll probably drag me into another life-or-death situation that won't end well_, she thought with a frown. In a flash of annoyance that made her want to punch her captain in his stupidly-grinning face she added sourly, _He, on the other hand, will probably choke on his food and die that way_.

A small burst of laughter escaped her lips at that thought, causing Robin to look up from her book, "Nami?"

"It's nothing, Robin." The dark-haired woman continued to stare back at her until Nami finally asked, "Have you ever thought about how you would die?"

She nodded gravely, "Numerous times. Why?"

"So have I. I used to think it would be a tragic death," The navigator glanced at her captain as he continued his game with Brook and Chopper, "but with this lot I've come to believe it will end up being tragically _funny_."

Robin chuckled, "Oh really?"

"Really." Nami nodded, "And yet I can't quite figure out _how_. What do you think?"

"You want me to guess how you may die?" For a moment Robin looked surprised, but upon seeing Nami's determined look she closed her book and placed it on her lap before staring at her thoughtfully, "Hard to tell… but perhaps… struck by lightning?"

Nami frowned, "Struck by lightning? Why?"

Robin shrugged, "You're a skilled navigator and amazing with weather. It would be ironic."

"True." There was a pause before the orange-haired woman added, "What about Luffy? How do you think _he_ will die?"

Before the older woman could reply a nasally male voice interrupted, "That list could go on forever."

The females turned to look at Usopp approaching, his black hair bouncing with each step closer he took, "Usopp. Finish tending to your garden?"

"Yes," he bobbed his head in affirmation before asking curiously, "Why are you talking about Luffy dying?"

"We're actually talking about everyone dying," the navigator corrected, "We just haven't gotten very far yet."

Usopp nodded and stroked his chin with a grin, "I bet I'll die heroically. I can see it now! The Great Captain Usopp sacrifices himself to save an island full of people who are so grateful they build a statue in his honor."

Nami leaned closer to Robin and whispered behind her hand, "I bet his nose turns out to be a tumor."

"Hey!" he squawked indignantly.

An annoyed voice rang out, "Don't yell at the ladies, dumbass!"

Sanji stomped closer, curled eyebrow wriggling agitatedly before he faced the women and grinned, gently giving both of them a sweet-looking drink and a tangerine (Which he had gotten with Nami's permission). He said something but Nami wasn't paying attention, eyes zeroing in on the cigarette dangling precariously from his mouth.

Robin, apparently having the same train of thought, said, "Lung cancer."

"Without a doubt." Nami agreed, Usopp nodding not too far away.

"Uh… what?"

The cook's confusion made the sharpshooter explain, "We're talking about how we'll all die."

Not knowing what else to say he responded, "Oh."

"What's another way we could die?"

Nami hummed thoughtfully, making Robin tilt her head, "Nami might have a heart attack from seeing an amazing amount of beli and gold."

"I could live with that," the orange-haired navigator sighed happily before adding with a sip of her drink, "Figuratively, of course."

Usopp muttered after that, "I bet Sanji gets beaten to death by a bunch of women he hits on. Or maybe their dates."

"Why you-"

The blonde lunged for him, making him squeal and duck away. As a quick chase started up around the lawn chairs the two girls thought some more. Robin, with her finger lightly tapping against her chin, suddenly had another idea.

"Wouldn't it be more interesting if Sanji died of food poisoning instead?"

The chase between the two abruptly halted at those words, Usopp because he started laughing and Sanji because he was horrified. Before anything else could be mentioned Franky appeared from below deck, whistling a jaunty tune and wearing nothing but a large, open red shirt and speedos.

"Why're you all talking about poisoning? Is there something I should be aware of?"

"Nope," Nami shook her head and explained again, "We're only talking about possible ways for us to die."

"Yow," Franky's eyes widened, "That's terrible! Can I join in?"

He got nothing but a shrug as they continued, "Sanji could die from a nosebleed at the sight of some women. It's almost happened once already."

The cook grumbled at the black-haired sharpshooter's second suggestion of his demise, retorting curtly, "I bet you blow yourself up while you're tinkering with one of your stupid inventions."

"Nah," Usopp gave an airy wave with his hand, "That's more likely for Franky than me."

"Your creepy plants could eat you though," Nami added helpfully, earning an appalled look from him.

Robin spoke up next, "I suspect Franky would be more likely to convert himself into a full robot than to cause himself to explode."

Everyone turned to look at the cyborg with a raised eyebrow at those words, making him shrug, "I've considered it."

Usopp leaned over and whispered loudly to Nami, "I bet his speedos get too tight and he suffocates."

A snort of laughter escaped the navigator as Franky yelped indignantly, "Hey!"

"I wonder…" the archaeologist frowned, "Is that even possible?"

Once more the group paused and turned to look at the cyborg, who just blushed and veered the conversation away from his death, "How would Robin die?"

That only made them go quieter. Clearly they all knew she was the most sensible and therefore the least likely of the crew to die. Or at least, she wouldn't die comically.

"Well," To everyone's surprise it was Robin herself who spoke up, "I suppose I could catch a fatal disease from some of the ruins I inspect."

Nami dipped her head slowly in agreement, "Yeah… or maybe strangle yourself with your extra arms?"

"Or squish yourself by getting stepped on by your giant foot?"

After Usopp's suggestion they really couldn't come up with any more possibilities for her death and they fell silent once more. They all felt a newfound respect for their crewmate, who was seemingly nearly impossible to kill, even in joking theory. After a moment Nami's eyes wandered over to the sleeping swordsman not too far away, a catlike grin finding its way onto her features.

"I bet Zoro rolls off the ship while he's asleep."

Laughter returned, loudly, and Usopp hooted, "It's sad how possible that is!"

Zoro- almost as if he could sense they were laughing at him- woke up with a start and a grumble, "Wha? Why're you all being so loud?"

He yawned widely as Nami began to peel her tangerine- which had been left alone until now- and smirked, "We're talking about how you'll die."

His face took on an expression of alarm before slipping into an angry scowl, "What?"

"Maybe you'll trip and fall on one of your swords?"

At Nami's latest suggestion Sanji joined in, pleased with their latest victim, "He'll probably get lost and starve to death."

"Shut it dartboard brow!"

"I just think he'll get lost and we'll never see him again," Usopp shrugged, "Never knowing whether he's alive or dead…"

"Watch it, Usopp," Zoro growled warningly.

Franky added, "I think he'll get crushed by his weights when he's lifting them."

The swordsman was almost foaming at the mouth now.

"Alcohol poisoning." Nami mused before taking a bite from her newly peeled tangerine and swallowing, licking her lips afterward, "Hmm. Yummy."

Zoro pointed an accusing finger at her and her fruit, yelling furiously, "I hope you choke on it!"

"Ah!" Nami dropped her fruit into her lap so she could hit her fist to her palm at the newest way to die, "There's another one!"

Zoro threw his hands up at his seemingly insane navigator, but before he could say anything another crewmate popped up, "What are you talking about?"

Chopper was the one who had spoken. He had just decided to take a break from his game with Luffy and Brook when he noticed the big group of his friends not too far away. Curious as to what they were talking about so pleasantly he decided to ask them. He instantly regretted it, however, when they turned to him and grinned almost evilly.

Nami snickered at the young doctor, "You'd get hunted."

Chopper gave a small scream and leapt away, Sanji nodding, "True. And I can think of quite a few good recipes for venison, too."

The navigator, already taking pity on the poor little doctor- who looked like he was about to faint with fear- sighed and told him what was going on, "Don't worry, Chopper. We're only talking about funny ways the crew might die."

"You call that funny!?"

They collectively shrugged.

Robin stated, "He's a doctor, so perhaps he could overdose on a new medicine he might be testing?"

There was a round of general nodding as Nami began to eat her tangerine again. She barely took a few bites when Luffy stretched his arms to a nearby railing to slingshot himself over, grinning widely. Upon landing he cocked his head and spoke.

"Hey! What are all of you talking about? Tell me!" he began to bounce a little excitedly from foot to foot, a childish pout dominating his features.

Nami finished her current bite of tangerine and rolled her eyes at her captain's antics, "We're only talking about funny ways we'll die."

Luffy frowned for a moment, seemingly thoughtful, before saying, "How would I die?"

"You'll choke on food." Nami stated instantly.

"Food poisoning." Zoro, now knowing the game, called out from his spot leaning against the ship's railing.

"Starvation." The blonde cook nodded and the underlying threat that he'd stop feeding his captain's ridiculous appetite was obvious.

Franky shuddered, "Fatal constipation."

Chopper wrinkled his nose, "I don't think that's possible."

Robin tilted her head slightly, "I think he'll get eaten by another creature."

"Why do all these include eating or its byproducts?" Usopp wondered aloud after thinking about the mentioned deaths.

The rest of the crew took his words into brief consideration before continuing brutally.

"He could try to expand too much and pop like a balloon."

Nami shook her head at Robin's second suggestion, "I think he'll turn into a balloon and float into the sun."

"He'll probably die from injuries," Chopper said, thinking back on all of the time his captain had gotten hurt.

"Launch himself into a Marine Base," Zoro snorted, "He's stupid enough to do it."

"Get tied into a knot around a pole and left there," Sanji suggested.

Franky added, "While he's napping on the Sunny's head he could roll into its mouth and get shot out of it when it turns into a canon."

Luffy was beginning to pout even more at how many ideas they had already come up with for his demise.

Usopp cocked his head, "He could drown."

"He could piss Nami off," Zoro muttered, earning a glare from the orange-haired woman.

"I heard that."

The green-haired swordsman winced, knowing his debt to the navigator just got jacked up by at least a thousand beli, as Sanji huffed, "I bet he gets caught by the marines for a stupid reason and gets beheaded."

"He could be left out in the sun too long and melt."

"Or," Franky added after Robin's suggestion, "Usopp could turn him into rubber bands."

Usopp complained indignantly as Luffy began to eye him suspiciously, "I would not!"

The crew's adorable doctor spoke next, "He could fall into the ocean."

"Isn't that the same as drowning?"

Chopper shook his head at Usopp's words, "No. I mean his Devil Fruit powers would make him unable to move in the water-"

"- and he'd drown." Usopp crossed his arms and an argument ensued about whether there was a difference between a Devil Fruit user drowning in the ocean or just being unable to move in the ocean and sinking, therefore dying when they ran out of oxygen.

"Well," Nami mused, "Hancock could kill you with the mentality of "If I can't have you, nobody can"."

Luffy shuddered a little and Sanji sighed dreamily, "I wouldn't mind dying like that…"

After that Robin stated, quite seriously, "Crew mutiny."

All conversation stopped and everyone turned to look at her with wide eyes. She simply smiled. No one had a chance to say anything before the ever-jovial Brook came over at last, large black afro bobbing as he walked.

He waved at them with skeletal hands and greeted them, "Hello! What are you talking about?"

"Funny ways we could die."

The skeleton- if he had eyes and eyelids- would have blinked stupidly at Franky's statement, "Come again?"

"We're talking about funny ways we'd all die," the cyborg repeated.

Nami shook her head pityingly, "You came in too late. We just finished talking about Luffy's death."

"Oh." Brook tilted his head before laughing, "Well, seeing as I'm already dead, I guess you can't talk about my death! Yo ho ho ho!"

Usopp snorted, "A dog could still eat you."

The musician's mouth snapped shut and he whimpered.

"I know a few medicines that require bones ground up into powder," Chopper blinked innocently.

Sanji nodded, looking speculatively at the skeleton, "And I know a few soup recipes that use bone in them."

"He'll get donated for bone transfusions," Zoro called out.

"Buried alive."

Brook replied weakly to Nami's words, "But I'm not alive, so wouldn't that be buried _dead_?"

"Then I guess there'll be less screaming," Zoro snickered, earning a yelp of fear from the musician.

Robin added drolly, "He could have a heart attack when he sees his reflection in a mirror."

The skeleton slipped into a joke easily, despite everything, "Oh, but I'm dead and I don't have a heart! Yo ho ho ho!"

Luffy began to laugh, Usopp, Franky, and Chopper joining in. They undoubtedly would have continued this line of conversation for the rest of the day (And probably late into the night) if not for the sudden canon ball launching onto the deck. There were a few screams of surprise before everyone scrambled to their places to face the Marines that had snuck up on them while they were talking.

Even as they fought them they continued tossing their ideas for humorous death about, including Nami dying by her high heels breaking and her, in turn, falling and breaking her neck. This talk both confused and freaked out the Marines, who before long decided that a tactical retreat from the crazy StrawHat Pirates was their best bet for survival.

After the battle Nami hummed to herself and strode towards the dining area for dinner. Her afternoon had started out boring and ended up rather fun. _What_, she wondered pleasantly, _shall I entertain myself with next?_


End file.
